Will I ever have sex again?
After ending my “relationships” this was a question I would often ask myself over and over again.
Sex is great. But sex in an unhealthy relationship? Awful.
It’s not even real “sex” in my opinion. It’s just awkward unsatisfying wastes of time (and energy).
Since that’s all I had been used to for so long I can be honest… I almost lost my interest with sex completely. There was a point where sex didn’t even cross my mind. I wouldn’t even get in the mood.
Imagine never being horny…
A tragedy, I know!
I wouldn’t even watch porn! When at one point, being a young overly hormonal teenager, porn was like a daily thing.
It was wake up, watch porn, shower, go through the day, eat, watch porn, sleep, repeat.
When I lost my interest in porn, I knew something was off. That’s when I realized that my sex drive needed repair.
When I got out of my first abusive relationship I gave up on sex for months!
First off, I was pregnant. Unless there was some dude out there with a fetish for that sort of thing, me having sex just wasn’t even an option. Then once I finally gave birth, I was too exhausted to even masturbate let alone try to find someone to have sex with. I hadn’t had sex again until I got with the second loser, which was ten months later.
After I finally dumped the second abuser it took me a long time to consider being with anyone else. It was about a little over a year later when I decided, why not try “hooking up”?
What what I had heard hooking up was great.
“Hooking up is fun! No strings attached!”
“Hit it and quit it… hopefully so good you’ll never forget it!”
I tried it.
I tried the whole finding a hot dude on Tinder to hook up with thing.
Once you’ve been in an abusive relationship you have that sense of “never ending fear” that feeling of
“I shouldn’t do this” “I’m so stupid for wanting to do this”
“What if he/she (the ex) finds out about me trying to date new people now!?”
Instead of chickening-out, I went for it.
There I was, in the beginning of 2017, swiping left and right. Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left… “Eh he seems cute”, Swipe right… Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.
Until I came across one guy in particular. He seemed cool, attractive, a foreigner from my favorite continent (The Motherland), well dressed in his photos, went to the same college as me, so hey why not?
I had never had a “one-night stand” or even a “booty-call” before. I kept reminding myself
“You’re a free woman! You can do whatever you want, whoever you want, whenever you want, and however you want to!”
I messaged him! I met up with him a few times at school and starting seeing him in passing. He was even more handsome in person, with an accent, one of those guys who was “perfect on paper”.
- Worked 3 jobs
- Has traveled the world
- Older than me
- Didn’t live with his parents
- Had a car
Literally the exact opposite of my exes.
As I look back it is so funny to me that right when I find the best kind of guy.. one who I should be considering as a boyfriend there I was… only wanting to hit him up to have sex with me and that’s it.
Although I must say, what a wild and fun experience he turned out to be!
We would be so spontaneous. We would chat at a table on campus, text each other here and there, sneak away to different areas to have our fun and afterwards: go our separate ways.
(Also, we used protection!)
Many times in the past, I have felt used and mislead when it came to sex. Being young and naïve I remember guys always “treating me nicely” just to get into my pants.
It would leave me feeling confused and my self-esteem would skyrocket downward.
The whole hookup experience brought out a side of me that I hadn’t known. It was liberating that I could express exactly what I was looking for from the start and then be able to end the whole arrangement whenever I pleased. I felt assertive and independent for the first time in my young adult life.
He would never pressure me to hang out and have sex with him and he wouldn’t do the whole
“You’re so awesome, I care so much about you, I “love you”… Can you send me nudes?” type of thing either!
After about two and a half months I let him know that I wasn’t interested in the whole hookup experience anymore and that it was it time for me to focus on myself. Which he respected, and we still talk and are casual with each other today.
I enjoyed the whole physical intimacy without the emotional strings attached, having fun without the labels of “boyfriend-girlfriend”. The fact that we were open and honest with each other from beginning to end, really is what made the whole “Booty-call” thing work.
After leaving the abusers I was with I thought to myself, do I want to have sex again?
Since my sex drive was so low I started to think that my vibrator would be the only option for me when it came to satisfaction, that sex was not for me anymore. I’m so glad I decided to give it a try again!
Now, one thing I must advise is only take that plunge into a platonic, no strings attached, friends with benefits situation when you are READY.
I built the confidence within myself first. This took more than an entire YEAR, it didn’t spring up overnight. Once I knew I felt confident enough I searched around, I didn’t just hop onto the first person willing to get into my pants.
(Although that might have been fun too!)
Then once I found a person I felt I could trust, I made sure to make it 100% clear as to what I was looking for.
I feel that when you lay your cards out on the table it eliminates any confusion as to what your expectations are when it comes to engaging in anything with anyone. Whether that be a friendship, relationship, friends with benefits, anything!
So, when you are on your quest to find the perfect booty-call always remember:
Build the confidence within yourself first, explore your options, and never let the past get in the way of your happiness and fun!