This is a question that I would get a lot from others who are wondering is cheating a form of abuse?
I decided to ask my social media account on Instagram.
74% responded yes, 26% responded no.
This lead me to doing some research, Googling tons of answers, and they all came to the same conclusion:
“it all depends on context”
All three of the abusers I’ve been with had multiple traits and characteristics that were similar, including cheating.
The Traditional Cheater
The way I started to have an idea that something was up was when the second I was around him he would take my phone and go through it extensively. Yet, if I were to even blink in the direction of his phone it’d be an instant defensive argument of
“Why do you need my phone?!”
“What do you want to do with it!?”
The second clue was the accusations. He constantly accused me of cheating. It got to the point where the accusations were literally 5 days out of the week. He would constantly create scenario after scenario of how I cheated, who I cheated with, and when I cheated.
No matter how much I continued to explain myself, continued to replay my whereabouts over and over, everything I said was “a lie”.
He would use the same manipulative tactics of:
“Well if it wasn’t true you wouldn’t be yelling”
“Well if you didn’t cheat why are you getting upset?”
Hmm, maybe I’m upset because of the fact that you have your hands around my neck, screaming in my face saying that I cheated on you even though I never did.
Now you may be wondering since he treated you badly did you ever cheat?
I have never cheated on him or anyone for that matter. I was with him nearly 25/8, and when I wasn’t with him I was stuck at his house with his family. I wasn’t even allowed friends let alone time to myself. Therefore, cheating was never an option even if I wanted to. Plus, I was so scared of what he would do to me if I even tried to talk to another guy. He would even get jealous if I paid children more attention than him, so I couldn’t even imagine if I gave another guy attention what he would do to me.
When I found out he was cheating on me, I still stayed with him.
I found out when I had to use his laptop (since he broke mine in one of his many angry rage episodes) and iMessages began popping up from some girl saying to meet her at their normal spot, the stop sign around the corner.
I remember he would always say he’s “going to the liquor store” yet I would be forced to stay home and couldn’t go along. His liquor store trips would take long and certain times he wouldn’t even come back with anything. Suspicious much?
Another way to make it obvious something was going on, on the way to “the liquor store” he would take the opposite direction to get there.
Instead he ironically would take the stop sign way and not the faster, shorter, no stop sign having, more convenient way.
Coincidence? I think not!
So that of course made me want to investigate. That’s where everything I had been speculating became reality.
His email: tons of messages to girls, literally saying “Let me message you through here so my girl won’t see”
His Facebook: messages to girls asking to hangout, calling them sexy, saying to meet up.
His Instagram: DM’s asking to hang out, describing how they had fun hanging out, and even when they were to hang out again. Throughout his DM’s he would even say “Well my girl gets back at 3PM so any time before that so we won’t get caught up”
Talk about self-incriminating oneself.
When I mentioned it to him it was:
“Why did you look through my stuff!?”
“If you would do X Y Z then I wouldn’t have to cheat on you!”
“It’s your fault that I have to go and cheat because you cheated on me first”
“If you keep bringing it up I’ll cheat on you again!”
Somehow, I would end up apologizing as if I did something wrong by finding out he was cheating on me?
The New Age Cheater
This one caught me by surprise. Loser Abuser #2 wasn’t the type to accuse me of cheating constantly yet in the beginning he would always show signs of passive aggressiveness.
Saying how since “I’m pretty I must have “lots of dudes I’m talking to”.
I would always tell him that even if lots of guys were interested, that doesn’t mean I’m interested in them. He wouldn’t believe me.
Subtle signs like that should have been my indicator to stay clear, but of course I continued.
Now the way in which he cheated is what I like to call the “New Age Cheating”.
New Age Cheating: is cheating that is through social media, sexting, texting, etc.
Doesn’t include physical meetups, yet conversations insinuating meet ups, flirting, and sexting. (Sexting: sending and/or receiving explicit photos, videos, text messages, etc.).
When I asked my social media if sexting others while in a relationship is considered a form of abuse:
70% responded yes and 30% responded no.
I’ll never forget how I found out about his New Age Cheating.
He went inside to order us some Subway when his phone started ringing, the name was under a guy who he said was his friend. A friend he said he goes to hang out with occasionally. A typical night “with the boys”. That’s why this friend would text him so late around 10:30-11-ish at night, asking when they are going to “kick it again”.
I figured “Let me answer it and let him know he is in Subway and will call him right back.”
Before I even finished saying Hello
“Hey cutie what’s up”
is what I heard, in a girly, familiar voice.
I knew the voice right away but still had to make sure, so I said
She said “Uh… yeah? Who is this?”
I immediately hung up. I was pissed! It was one thing for him to be hanging out with someone behind my back, (a girl that we both knew that I had been friends with throughout the years, well so I thought), but to be even sneakier about it by switching her name to a man’s name to cover up him “hanging out occasionally with the boys” Now that was the icing on this awful cake.
When he got back in the car I told him he had a missed call from “*Males name*” and that I answered it.
Immediately he starts getting defensive.
“Why’d you answer it?”
I answered his question with a question,
“Why do you have K*****’s number saved as a guy”
He immediately starts yelling at me saying
“You’re overreacting it’s not that big of a deal”
“You’re just insecure that’s why.”
“Wow you don’t trust me? You must be doing something wrong then!”
He was absolutely right: I don’t trust you and I am doing something wrong by being in a relationship with you!
After I finally broke up with him I came to find out that he had been Instagramming other women, texting other girls and asking for their numbers through Instagram, asking for “To Be Honest Rates”, leaving heart eyed emojis and “Sexy af” comments under photos, and other nonsense that goes on throughout social media.
He basically portrayed himself as single online yet having a “girlfriend” the entire time.
The Craigslist Cheater
Now I’ve been through hell and back, yet this one by far has to be the Best (Well I guess worst) way to get cheated on.
It deserves the “Creative Cheating Award”
Everyone I’m sure has heard of Craigslist, yet if you haven’t it’s a trading site which before April 2018 had “Casual Encounters” and an “Adult Section” where people could be “In Search of Men for Women, Women for Men, Men for Men, Women for Women, etc.”
This section quickly turned into a hookup to meet people for sex or wild fantasies/fetishes, etc.
After finally ditching the loser, I mean abuser, his email was still attached to my laptop. I hadn’t figured out how to delete the Google Account without his password (which I have now figured out thank goodness) so whenever an email for his school, job application confirmations, etc. would pop up, it would notify me.
When one said
“If you are real, I’m down” With a phone number attached.
I clicked right away!
That’s when I saw the sea of Craigslist emails.
Both in his inbox and in his trash.
Some included pictures of his worm *gags repeatedly* and others with these narcissistic selfies without a shirt, selfies of him inside his car, selfies of him in his bathroom, selfies of him smoking, selfies on selfies on selfies.
As I’m reading through the email exchanges of how he was “looking for someone to have sex with” I noticed the dates were before we were dating, while we were dating, and the DAY after I broke up with him.
Now you may think, how old was this guy? I thought only old desperate lonely men search for women on Craigslist.
Nope. 21 years old!
And even younger from how far the Craigslist emails trailed back.
Now this is a form of cheating that hasn’t occurred to me before, so I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t know whether to be disgusted, angry, or thankful that I got him out of my life for good. I never knew if he met up with these mysterious craigslist Ads, and never want to know. One thing is for sure I made sure to get tested. Luckily everything was negative! Who knows what he could have contracted if he were to have met with these mysterious Craigslisters while being in a “relationship” with me.
Now when asked, is cheating considered abuse?
“It all depends on context”
I found a great explanation on loveisrespect.org
[Which I have a direct link down below]
If your partner cheated on you and you are wondering if it’s an abusive act, ask yourself these questions:
- Does your partner also threaten you with violence, physically hurt you, call you names, try to control where you go or what you wear, criticize you or blame you for hurtful things they say or do?
- Does your partner serially cheat on you and then blame you for his or her behavior?
- Did your partner cheat on you intentionally to hurt you and does he or she threaten to cheat again?
- Did your partner cheat to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are?
- Do you find yourself apologizing after you get upset with their behavior?
If you answered ‘yes’ or even ‘maybe’ to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship and in THAT context, yes cheating is considered a form of abuse.
Cheating all together isn’t part of a healthy relationship. Cheating within an abusive relationship makes no difference, cheating and relationships shouldn’t ever have to go together.
Down below is the direct link from a website with many tips on relationships, dating, abuse, and much more!