Yes, sad as it sounds, this is true. In both situations (my first abuser and second) both families knew about the abuse yet, did absolutely nothing. This awful incident not only happened with my first ex but also my second. Talk about a double whammy! This story is so insane that I had to break them into to two parts. So, stay tuned for part two!
Let’s start with my first ex, the other half of my daughter’s genetic makeup.
His family background wasn’t “picture perfect”.
His father made all the money, controlled his mother’s every move…
“You can’t go anywhere in my car without telling me first.”
“You’re not wearing that.”
“You’re not going out with your friends!” “You aren’t spending my money on that, you are spending it on what I think you’ll look good in.”
Not only did his father “run the show”, he also drove a Lexus, brought in around $5,500 a month, and since they were cheating the system, their Section 8 rent was only $180 for their three-bedroom home. So that $5,500 stretched a long way… so I thought. The father would lock his money up in a bedroom safe… and to make matters worse the house was… broken. Not the physical house itself, but the people and things inside.
Broken, manipulated, defeated.
The house had no food, barely any silverware, yet a huge flat screen TV? The father kept a mini-fridge in his bedroom full of food. Sadly, like a beggar on the street, I would see my ex or his siblings sneak into the bedroom when the dad was at work to grab a small bite of food from the mini-fridge. “Family dinners” were non-existent and the father would only give the mother $50 to buy groceries that he liked so that she could cook him something for that evening.
The house was filled with emptiness including the “family” who resided inside.
- His mother, (49 years old) had no Driver’s License, a gambling problem, no job, no car (she had sold hers for money… to gamble and lose all in the same night), and no social life. This woman could drink alcohol for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. His father and mother weren’t married because (these are her exact words) “I wasn’t about to have his income mess up my welfare”
- His older brother, (30 years old) a dr*g dealer, made enough money to obviously not live in their household anymore… Hell, I don’t blame him!
- His older sister, (26 years old, a rape victim from her mother’s negligence as she left her in the hands of many viscous monsters while she gambled the small amount of welfare she collected. Also, a victim of domestic violence. She would tell stories of how her ex would beat her, look through her phone, stalk her, even hurt her so badly that she had a miscarriage of their child-to-be and may never be able to have children again. (She had told me these horror stories during the second time I met her, explaining the abuser’s name tattooed on her shoulder) She never graduated high school, never worked at a real job for longer than a week and a half. Never truly had or met any goals in her life. Still lived at home with her parents, with no plans of ever moving out. Can’t go more than an hour without smoking her lungs away.
- His younger sister (12 years old), a fragile soul, quiet, very sweet. Yet in her eyes I could tell that she has witnessed it all.
When I first moved in I could tell right away that something was off. They were almost “too welcoming” “too nice”. Little did I know that they saw me as their son’s “meal ticket”.
A young 18-year-old smart college girl, goals, promising future. That was more than enough to get their monstrous son out of the house. A son who has never worked (at the age of 22), barely graduated high school, $30,000 in debt to a vocational college that he’ll never use the fifteen month degree he obtained.
(I didn’t know any of this coming into the relationship or else I would have run for the hills!)
Okay now back to the bystanders… As the time went on with me living there, every time my ex would yell at me, hit me, rip my things up, punch walls, throw my things out, tell me to “leave” yet the second I head out of the house scream, “You’re actually going to leave me? How could you do that you f*cking b*tch!” one thing was always the same…
His family would always be there, by-standing, never saying a word. Witnessing the entire thing go down, without doing anything to prevent it.
They would never stop him, never say what he was doing was wrong. I remember his father telling me,
“Y’all are grown! This is what grown folks go through!”
Those words still to this day make my heart ache. This is not what “grown folks” go through! It hurt me deeply because I had nobody to turn to, his “parents” obviously weren’t going to help me. I always saw “parents” as those who were meant to protect yet all his parents did was enable, by-stand, and neglect.
Throughout all the things my ex put me through his parents never did anything about it. His mom would say,
“Well what did you do to make him angry?” “Well you should have done XYZ instead of ABC.”
It was always a way to flip everything he had done onto me. Looking back, I realize why…
She, was a victim of abuse as well.
Having a controlling, unloving, boyfriend (since they never married) for over 20 years. Being told what to do, what to wear, when to jump, how high to jump, what to cook, how much to clean, for years! I learned that not only did my ex’s father cheat on his mother (he would even bring my ex and his older sister with him to places with the mistress, what a scumbag), he also had previous children that he would neglect and never take care of. To flee his child support payments, he even moved to a whole different state… to find his new victim, my ex’s mother.
Although she stood by and never tried to stop her son at the end of the day I actually am the one who feels sorry for her. I’ve learned through constant research, analyzation, and through my own self experiences that she is just like me, a victim. Sadly, instead of escaping, she turned to alcohol and gambling to ease the pain of her “relationship”. She brought children into the world with this “man” who never loved her, never cared for her, and never treated her with the respect she deserved. She saw the violence I endured day after day, the arguing, the damaging of items as the “norm” due to her past with this “man” who continued to treat her badly over and over again.
I only had to endure the mistreating’s of my ex for seven months, she has had to deal with this “man” for over twenty years of her life. That’s almost half of her entire life dealing with a monster disguised as a “man” a “father” a “provider”.
Although I will never forget his mother or sisters standing by while I was being mistreated, I do forgive them. I’m not excusing their by-standing behavior yet explaining the reasoning behind it. They are victims of abuse themselves. They are victims that sadly will never leave their abuser, who will continue to stand by and enable the one who claims to “love them” hurt them repeatedly, who will continue to endure the pain and hurt for the rest of their lives, just like my second abuser’s family….
Part Two coming soon! Stay tuned…