*Trigger Warning* (No pun intended)
There I was… facing a loaded black 22. Never in my life had I been in the front of a gun.
I’m standing in the room, my back against the wall. He began to press the gun deep into my forehead.
He’s angry, chain smoking cigarettes back to back blowing smoke into my face with the gun pointed at me. This is when he’ll say something that stuck with me until this day and will forever stick with me. I can still hear the tone of his voice…
“If you ever try to leave me, I will kill you and then kill myself!”
He slaps me with the gun and throws me onto the bed and leaves the room like nothing ever happened.
That was the first, yet sadly not the last, time that he pulled a gun on me. Here’s how it began.
After being in a “relationship” for about four months, I would spend 99.99% of my time with him. I couldn’t walk to the stop sign by myself. I couldn’t drive down the street to the grocery store (in MY own car) by myself. I couldn’t even go the bathroom without “turning in my phone” to him, and if I were in there for more than three minutes, there he was beating at the door asking, “What are you doing!?”. This being my first relationship I assumed that he just “cares so much that he has to constantly check up on my every action” Yeah, and pigs fly.
I had started my period while in class so I figured I should go and buy some pads at Target before going back to the house. He never wanted to go to the store with me without me buying something (everything) for him and nothing for myself so I knew it would be best to go by myself. Going straight from school to the store was my only chance. So of course, I texted him and let him know, (more like asked his permission if I could go to the store in the first place). Immediately he called.
“Why are you going to the store?” “What’s that noise?” “Call me as soon as you get there!” I did. He proceeded to talk to me the entire store trip. Just to “make sure” I wasn’t doing anything “out of the ordinary”.
I tell him I’m about to head out of the store and that I’ll see him when I get there. As I walk out a lady approaches me in her van saying, “I love your hair who does it?” My hair had a nice black to dark brown ombre to it. I told her, “I do”. Although I’m a very social person I was brushing her off, trying to get to my car so I can leave. The time continued to tick on…
She asked for my number so I can contact her about doing her hair. I told her that I’ll take hers down and call her. I didn’t want some random number calling my phone, he would flip. After about six minutes, which felt like a lifetime, she drove away. I rushed to my car and sped to the house.
When I pulled up I did the “normal routine” of what he expected me to do when I pull up.
- I get out the car
- I hand him my phone
- He gets in the car, searches through it [glove department, under the seats, the backseats, the trunk]
- He goes through my phone and keeps the phone for the remainder of the day
- He grabs my belongings (backpack, purse, and the Target bags) and goes through them, grabs the receipt
This is what he would do every single day after I come home from school. He searched my car. He searched through my phone. He made sure that anything and everything I did, he knew about.
When he grabbed the receipt, that’s when all hell broke loose. “1:16? It’s 1:45! What the f*ck took you so long? You went somewhere else didn’t you! Who the f*ck did you go see?! You cheated on me didn’t you!” He screams at me to go to the room and close the door. I already knew what this meant. So, I did.
I go into the room, my heart racing. He usually follows right behind me but this time he didn’t… which made me even more nervous. I didn’t have my phone so I had no clue of what time it was, I just knew it had been at least five minutes and nothing? Still wasn’t in the house or in the room. I smell cigarette smoke. He must be smoking a cigarette going through my stuff to see if he missed something, the usual.
The door slams open! He goes straight into his closet and pulls out a black box. I had never seen this before, I didn’t know what to expect. It was a gun. My heart dropped. I had never felt this level of fear in my life. I didn’t know what to say, what to feel, what to do. It’s as if my mind froze, everything was moving in slow motion. He kept asking “Where’d you go!?” “Who were you with?!” The gun in his hand the entire time. When I explained to him the lady outside of Target situation, he didn’t believe me. There went his scenarios, “You cheated on me after you left Target! You went to some other dude’s house! Then decided to bring your stupid ass here!” I began to beg…
I begged him to leave me alone, to let me leave, that I just wanted out, I wanted to end the relationship. Big mistake. That’s when he points the gun straight at my head and presses it into my forehead.
“If you ever try to leave me, I’ll kill you and then kill myself”
His voice.. that sentence.. the gun.. everything played in my head over and over that night, even after his one thousand, “I wouldn’t have hit you if you wouldn’t have x, y and z.” “I wouldn’t have had to pull the gun out if you didn’t this, that, and this.” “It won’t happen again.”
Never once did he acknowledge ownership for what he had done. Never once did he apologize. Never once did he say he believed I didn’t cheat on him. And it most certainly did, “happen again” (but we will get to that in a later post)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a serious issue. I could have easily been murdered right then and there, at 18. He could have easily shot me in the head, shot himself, and nobody would have gotten the real story. Yet he used this as a tactic. To instill fear into me, to make me never try to leave him again…
If someone ever pulls a gun, knife, or any other kind of weapon out on you, that is not love. That is not a relationship, a “spouse/partner”. They will do it again, they aren’t sorry. After a situation like that, if you value your life it’s best to leave, make an escape plan, and leave, never turn back!
Here’s a link to making an escape plan to safely leave an abusive relationship.
Your life is worth it.
Check out www.time2mend.blog/resources for resources on ways to get help out of an abusive situation.